April 1, 2013 (AP): Maurice Slaghammer, US Attorney for Eastern Michigan, announced today that the body of former Teamster's Union president Jimmy Hoffa, missing since the mid 1960s, was discovered yesterday, embedded in the grease and dirt on the underside of a 1952 MG TD. "It was a clever way to hide a body," Slaghammer stated,"because those things drip so much oil that the body was buried deeper and deeper with every passing year. The oil and grunge also preserved the body remarkably well, so identification was easy. Every bullet hole looked like it did the day it was made."

The breakthrough occurred when a passenger in the MG dropped a $100 bill on the floorboards, causing Hoffa's fingers to twitch. The movement made them break through the dirt covering the body, so it was discovered during one of the car's weekly repair sessions. The owner remarked, "The car seemed to be losing power and had a heavy feel; I looked underneath and saw something dragging. I just thought that the exhaust hangers had broken again or another piston had gone through the bottom of the oil pan. I was stunned when the mechanic told me it was someone's arm. I couldn't remember running over anyone, but with that car's noise and road visibility, you never know."

Police and prosecutors are still wondering when and how Hoffa's body got stuck under the car. Research showed that the car was once owned by Alphonso "Dog Brain" Lambrusco, a Mafia hit man and amateur bank robber, who used it as a getaway car. Lambrusco's bank-robbing career was very short, however; he was arrested almost immediately after his first robbery attempt. It is believed that the arresting officer either ran down the car on foot or found it stopped beside the road with a blown head gasket. 

The car was then sold at a police auction to Willie "Candyman" Jones, a reputed Detroit drug dealer. Jones was later found shot 27 times, lying in an alley next to the MG, which itself had been shot at least 148 times. A local mobster, Hosiah "9 mm" Streeter, later confessed to the murders of both Jones and the MG. After driving the car for a few weeks, Jones, according to Streeter, begged for death. By then he had lost all his street cred and couldn't live with the humiliation.

The car's next owner was a farmer, who intended to use it for hauling manure, but by then the car's layer of greasy dirt had grown so large that he had trouble distinguishing it from his manure pile. On several occasions he accidentally loaded the car into the manure instead of the other way around. The manure smell actually improved the car's odor, however, as it masked the smell of exhaust and grease fumes in the passenger compartment. Its subsequent ownership history is unclear, but it seems to have stayed in Detroit and collected a number of additional items. Aside from Hoffa, two fire hydrants, a 1967 Austin Mini-Cooper, a wealth of original engine parts, and six cases of Billy beer were also found embedded in the crud on the car's underside. "It's amazing how much better it runs," stated the current owner, "now that all that junk has been removed. I don't think I even need to get those other three cylinders firing!"